My Angels

Welcome to my story about my precious angels

This weblog is my online journal of my TTC and loss journey.

In Depth...

My memory of my losses after my fourth miscarriage on 3/30/02, dated 4/3/02

I lost my first angel on 1/19/99, I named him Hunter although I never really knew whether he was a boy or a girl. I worried about m/c from the beginning of that pregnancy even though it was my first and there was no history of m/c in my family. I had spotting from the beginning of that pregnancy, from the first day I knew I was pregnant. My baby died at around 6 weeks and I had a D&C on 1/19/99 at 9 weeks. I was not married and had no intention of ever staying with the man that had fathered this baby. We broke up during the pregnancy because he couldn't handle the whole thing. He had requested on several occasions that I abort this child but I had adamantly refused. I wanted this baby despite the fact that he had not been planned. I was 29 years old and had actually started to believe that I would not be able to get pregnant ever. This whole experience shook me into a new reality and my life and lifestyle completely changed as a result. I met my husband several months later and we fell in love and married after only 3 weeks on 11/6/99,(crazy I know but we are still together and he is truly my best friend, so go figure)

My second angel was born into Heaven on 12/1/00 after 11 weeks. He had died at around 8 or 9 weeks and we found out when there was no heartbeat on the doppler at our 11 week appointment. Again I had a D&C on 12/1/00. We named him Walter, it was the only name that DH had been able to agree upon at that point and so it stuck. DH and I insisted on getting tested to find out why this had happened twice now. All of those tests came out normal. I was never so disappointed in my life to be normal. I wanted them to find something they could fix so that I wouldn't have to endure this again.

My third angel was beautiful. We called him Peanut. I saw him floating around on the ultrasound screen sucking his thumb and waving at me. I still have the video of that ultrasound and someday I will be able to look at it again. I had bleeding from about 8 weeks with him. Every ultrasound showed a healthy happy baby with a strong heartbeat but yet there were times when the blood would literally pour out of my body like water. I was able to hear my baby on the Baby beat doppler every morning and every night. I thought that we would be fine because we had gotten past every other milestone that we hadn't before. I was diagnosed with early placenta previa which we thought was causing some of the bleeding. Then one day I started having low back pain and cramping and when I searched to find our little Peanut's heartbeat, it was there but faint, that was 9am. Later that day I could no longer hear the heartbeat and I delivered my angel in a hotel room bathroom at 7 pm during a move from Wyoming to Oregon on 6/30/01. I was almost 16 weeks pregnant at that point. I held him in my hand just like in a dream I had had at about 6 weeks. The doctor's were all very grim and kept telling me that if it was a m/c there was nothing that they could do about it. Peanut was due on Christmas day and it was the hardest Christmas I've ever had not being able to hold my new baby in my arms. Again we got a little more testing but the new doctor in the new town did not want to repeat any of the testing that had been done previously. Again it was normal. It took us 8 cycles of trying and having to go on Clomid to conceive my fourth angel.

I knew with my fourth angel, Little One, that I was pregnant almost from the beginning. I was devastated when I had a blood test at 13 dpo that was negative but then my period never came and I retested at home with a hpt a few days later and it was positive. I worried from the beginning of this pregnancy that there was something wrong but I dismissed that worry as me just thinking about the past 3 pregnancies. I had my blood drawn every other day and the numbers kept rising and everything looked good until about 1.5 weeks before the end when I started having some spotting. I hoped that it was just implantation bleeding that I read could sometimes happen at around 6 weeks. The blood tests were continuing to show a good rise in the hormones so I thought I was just being paranoid. Then on Thursday 3/28 my world got turned upside down when my numbers stopped rising the way they were supposed to. I had more bleeding the next day and I called the doctor's office. I spoke to the doctor on-call and he confirmed my fear that I was probably miscarrying again. I met him at the ER on Saturday 3/30 and the ultrasound showed no heartbeat and my baby had died about a week before. I had a D&C again because I could not endure the pain of another natural m/c and the uncertainty of when it would happen. I needed to get my life back. On Monday 4/1 the doctor called to tell me that there was no fetal tissue in the sample that he had sent to the lab after my D&C and he needed me to come back in for a repeat ultrasound. It turned out that he had completely missed the baby during the surgery on Saturday. I found myself again praying for a miracle and that they would find a heartbeat and we would all be amazed that this little wonder had survived a D&C. Of course that didn't happen and I had a repeat D&C on 4/2/02.

Bobbi,

4 angels in Heaven (Hunter 1/19/99, Walter 12/1/00, Peanut 6/30/01, and Little One 3/30/02)

10/7/03

It's been over a year now since our last angel left us and it has been a struggle for both myself and my husband. We have been unofficially and officially trying again since the miscarriage with no luck. In May 2002 I went to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist who specializes in the treatment of recurrent miscarriages and he discovered that I have very low progesterone and put me on a large dose of Progesterone every cycle after Ovulation so that my body would not reject a baby trying to implant. He also put me back on Clomid to help me have a better ovulation but the side effects of moodiness, hot flashes, and more intense ovulation symptoms were unpleasant at best and definitely hard on our relationship. Infertility is rough in and of itself, but add uncontrollable mood swings and hot flashes to the mix and you had better be prepared for some fireworks. We did the Clomid for a few months with no luck and decided to go on a break while DH was in Florida for 2 months for training this summer. Our relationship and my body needed the break desperately. I also was involved in a car accident on Halloween 2002 when a drunk driver traveling about 55 mph rear ended me while I was sitting at a stop light. I've been battling pain in my back and left ankle ever since. I have done long term physical therapy and I have surgery scheduled for 10/22/03 to repair my ankle since it never healed correctly. The mixture of the stress of the accident, pain, and strained relationship from both has been difficult but we are working through it all. I go to see the RE again this week and hopefully we'll have a new action plan in place. I'm currently taking no medications and we are not actively TTC so that I can use pain medications after my surgery this month as well as continue to allow my body to gain some kind of normal functioning. We may start trying again in November or December.

I'll update this after my appointment later this week.

Bobbi, 4 angels in heaven

We are still on hold ttc but have a plan of action for once we start again next month. We will be moving to Fargo, ND sometime in February or March 2004 and are hoping to buy a home there. The appointment with the RE in October went well and he said we could try Clomid again for two more cycles and if we don't end up pregnant we will move to injectables to help with ovulation. We have moved from having trouble keeping a baby to having trouble getting pregnant. My surgery on my ankle went well but was painful. I will be on crutches a total of 6 weeks and get my cast off on Dec 4, 2003. Then I start physical therapy and go into a brace. I hope to be fully functional on my ankle by the time we move in February but only time will tell. My back still aches and ttc/BD actually causes me back pain so it's hard sometimes. Having a cast on my leg has not been very romantic either so it is definite we won't be ttc officially until I get that off. Throughout the entire time we have been married, we have never actively prevented pregnancy but are still struggling.

Bobbi, 4 angels in heaven

We are finally actively ttc again! I started the Clomid again and so far the side effects have been minimal, Tim has noticed a little moodiness but I think he's just imagining things (in my hormonal judgment). So far so good. I have family arriving next week for the holidays and we are looking forward to having them here to celebrate. I put all the ornaments up that I have gotten for my angels and it is a bitter sweet experience. It's good for me to actively remember my angels and helps me heal and move on.

Bobbi, 4 angels in heaven

We are in our second cycle on Clomid and I will be testing tomorrow. I'm a bit anxious as this was the last cycle we can use Clomid. We will be moving at the end of this month to Fargo, ND and have bought a new home together there. I have high hopes that this move will bring us some of the answers to our prayers that have been lacking for so long. We have been blessed so far in our move. I was offered a position at an outpatient substance abuse treatment agency during my second interview there. We planned a second trip but because I was offered a job right away on the first trip it was possible for us to buy the house on our first trip to Fargo and we don't have to go back until the move. I pray that our blessings continue and this cycle is the magic one for us.

Bobbi, 4 angels in heaven

We are in our new home in Fargo, ND now and it has been a roller coaster ride since we got here. Tim's job is extremely stressful and we don't get much time together as a result. I am working 3 nights a week until 9:30 PM and he goes in to work sometimes as early as 6am. Our house has not been the dream home I had envisioned but more like a money pit. Obviously our last Clomid cycle was a bust so we are now on hold until we find a new doctor here. Our next step, according to Dr. Patton, the RE in Oregon, is injectables. I don't even know what injectables he is talking about but I guess we'll find out soon enough. The nearest RE from here is in Minneapolis about a 4 hour drive. There is a doctor here in Fargo that everyone raves is a really good fertility doc but I am skeptical. Maybe I can look into having that doctor as my regular OB and then using the RE to get preggo. Generally the RE sends you back to your OB once you are past a certain point in your pregnancy. Anyway, we are still not preventing and I am still planning on using the progesterone on cycles that we time it right on. My cycles have become more normal in the past few months going back to my regular 28-30 day cycle with Ovulation at day 18 or 19 and a 9-10 day Luteal phase (unless I use progesterone then it's 15--17 days).

Bobbi, 4 angels in heaven

I finally got an appointment with an RE and it turns out that the guy everyone was telling me about here in Fargo is really an RE!!! I don't have to travel all the way to Minneapolis and can get some top rate treatment close to home for once. I met with him on Thursday 8/12 and we came up with a game plan I am comfortable with. I will be starting injectables (Follistim) once I take a class on how to do them on 9/15. Once we do that we will do the shots and Dr. Christenson will monitor my ovaries very closely through ultrasound and adjust the dosage as needed until the eggs look ready to pop, then I'll get another injection of another hormone to mature the eggs and pop them out. After ovulation I'll start on a regimine of Heparin injections until AF or pregnancy. If I'm pregnant, I'll continue the Heparin injections till nearly the end of the pregnancy to avoid any clotting problems that could cause miscarriage. I'll also be taking daily doses of Baby aspirin for the same reason throughout my cycle as well as the Progesterone supplements post O. The hope is to become pregnant within 3 cycles of the Follistim injections. I'll keep you updated as we progress through this next treatment.

Bobbi, 4 angels in Heaven

It's been a while since I checked in but wanted to update on the progress or lack thereof that we have made in our ttc journey. We are now on our third cycle of the injectable medications and awaiting O to try again. It will be 3 years in March since we lost our 4th angel and so far we have been unsuccessful in concieving a brother or sister. I am very hopeful that this time it will work though. Dr. Christenson told us it was most likely to happen in 3 cycles and he still sounds confident of that. My treatment regimine looks something like this. Every day I take a baby aspirin and a prenatal vitamin. On day one of my cycle (AF) I call Dr. Christenson's office and schedule an ultrasound for day 2 or 3 so that they can look at my ovaries and my lining and make sure everything looks good as well as do some bloodwork for an estrogen and LH test. If all is well, on day 3 of my cycle I start taking an injection of Follistim for between 7-8 days. At the same time as I start the Follistim, I start the blood thinner injections, Lovenox, twice a day. This helps create a safe and cozy environment for our baby to implant and stay there avoiding any blood clotting that might get in the way. On day 10 or 11 of my cycle I go back into Dr. Christenson's office for another ultrasound and more blood work to determine if my ovaries are producing any good follicles with eggs in them and to make sure that I have not produced too many. If my ovaries become over-stimulated it can be a dangerous situation and we would have to stop the injections at that time and let my body rest for a cycle. So far that has not happened. If everything looks good and I have a few good follicles then I take another 1-2 days of the follistim and then the next day I take a different injection called Ovidrel that will stimulate the ovaries to pop out those eggs. We BD 24, 36, and 48 hours after the Ovidrel injection and then wait the excruciatingly long wait to be able to test to see if it worked or not. So far AF has been kind and shown up early rather than making me wait and get my hopes up. I continue the Lovenox (blood thinner) injections 2 times a day until either AF shows or I give birth. In addition after O I take a large dose of Progesterone so that my body can support all of those eggs with enough of the hormone that keeps my lining thick and a nice nest for a baby to grow. I continue the Progesterone also until either AF shows or the end of the first trimester when the placenta can take over.

I'm hopeful that this time will be it and I'll have great news to post here soon! I took the Trigger shot of Ovidrel this morning so now the fun part begins and then the horrible wait. Dr. Christenson says I have 4 really good sized eggs on my left ovary and 2 smallish ones that probably won't pop out on my right. Hopefully one of those eggs will be the one that the swimmers reach and we get a baby!

Bobbi, wife to Tim, mother to 4 angels (Hunter 1/19/99, Walter 12/1/00, Peanut 6/30/01, and Little One 3/30/02)

Here we are again/still. Our third and fourth cycle with Follistim was not successful and Dr. Christenson tested Tim's swimmers and we discovered that they have a slight motility problem that is not likely to be overcome without some additional medical treatments. It has been several years now and 6 solid months of active ttc this time and we need a break. We are both overwhelmed and our relationship again has become strained. We have a vacation scheduled for the middle of June when I will also be deposed for the law suit from my car accident 2.5 years ago. We have decided wait on the next step, IUI, until we get back from our trip in June. IUI is Intra Uterine Insemination. Essentially the doctor will inject only the best of Tim's swimmers directly into my uterus to help them along in their journey. This will help overcome the motility problem and hopefully end in pregnancy. Then we continue with all of the other treatments for recurrent miscarriage as well.

In the meantime Tim will take some vitamins and supplements that are purported by some to help with the motility problem and by others to not do anything. I will continue with the Acupucture that I started a couple of months ago. I have been doing the Acupuncture and Chinese medicine to help with my back and neck pain which has been extremely helpful, moreso that anything else I have tried so far. Acupuncture and Chinese medicine work to bring one's body into balance. Rather than simply treating the symptoms, it treats the whole person to try to fix the problems at their source. Last cycle it helped extend my Luteal Phase by several days (enough to fool me into thinking I might be pregnant and really wasn't) and my stress level is much better without the back pain in the way. We will nurture our bodies, and our marriage for the next three months and then come back and do the IUI. We need all the prayers we can get during all of this.

Bobbi, wife to Tim, mother to 4 angels (Hunter 1/19/99, Walter 12/1/00, Peanut 6/30/01, and Little One 3/30/02)